_WARNING_ to the Service Men who are Returning from Being Away at Sea.
Some things to keep in mind as you return home from your adventure at sea.
You will have to be very patient with your wife as she adjusts to your
presence after all the time she has spent without you there.

  1.  As soon as you walk through the door, take out the trash
immediately, as she is sick of doing it.
  2.  Do not be alarmed if she jumps over the couch and runs 60  miles an
hour to get to the telephone when it rings, she thinks it is you  calling,
and that is one call she isn't going to miss!
  3.  Forgive her for any nightly beatings that may occur to your  body.
This thrashing that happens is because she is used to having the bed all
to herself. In extreme conditions, she may start screaming thinking you are
  someone she doesn't know and she may even call the police to report she is
  being robbed. If you are attempting to make love to her, you may be in
jail on  rape charges until she realizes you are her husband and are home
from sea.  
  4.  Dinner time will require some adjusting. Do not say a word if  she
cuts up your meat before she puts it on the table. Ignore the fact that
there will not be a place setting for you. You may not even have a chair to sit
  in as she has probably used it to reach those high things in the cupboards
that  you used to get for her. Do not expect home cooked meals. She is used
to making  quick foods and kids T.V. dinners. Although you are looking
forward to having  home cooked meals, she is not looking forward to making
them. You may even find  a peanut butter and jelly sandwich waiting for you
one night. Just eat it and  be thankful it is there. 
  5.  If there is an errand to run, RUN IT! Your life could depend  on it.
After having to drag all the kids to the store just for a gallon of  milk,
she may shoot bullets from her eyes if you refuse!
  6.  You may not understand her language as she has had to speak to  the
children a lot during the time that you have been gone. What she may say to
  you if you are complaining about people at work, "Tell them your mommy
will  come out there if they don't play nice." If you stub your toe, she
may say,  "Ooh, did you get a boo boo." Bare with her, this will eventually
subside and  she will speak normally. 
  7.  THIS IS IMPORTANT: Do not walk in the bathroom if she is in  the
shower. She may suspect an intruder and try to kill you! She forgets you
are home!
  8.  Last but not least, expect tears. Lots of them. Just as your  heart
is the only thing the navy hasn't confiscated, her heart is the only  thing
that loneliness has not robbed her of. Love that has been saved up for as
long as you have been gone is bound to make your wife a tad bit emotional. With
  a little bit of patience and understanding on both your parts, your home
coming  will be all that you expect it to be, as long as you follow the
rules above. 
contributed by Michelle L. Dillman